Before I attended my graduation ceremony, I experienced an intense level of stress surrounding how none of my family seemed not too bothered about going and the one who did was upset that I didn’t want her boyfriend there and so that was a heavy focus instead.
This all came over me in one brief moment “the people I spent my life trying to make proud do not care” and in that my heart began to feel like it was in a vice. I thought I was having a heart attack. I thought if I’m lucky this will be the end.
I had to stop crying and try not to breathe because when my ribcage would move it was agonising. All I could do in that moment was wait.
I went to the doctor who explained to me that I had basically been exposed to so much stress that my body was responding excessively. He explained that while it wasn’t a heart attack and isn’t life threatening, I am likely for the rest of my life to relapse into these phases of having a sore chest any time I am under stress of a high enough level.
That was over three years ago now.
Today I’ve woken and instantly been caught in anxiety about the day ahead. My heart hurts, I’m overwhelmed and I don’t want today.
In brief moments my biology betrays me and I’m physiologically plunged into the depths of stress and anxiety while mentally I try to convince myself that I’m ok.
Tuesdays are counselling days.
My mother reached out last week after we’ve not been speaking to each other for a couple months to say that it’s silly I’m not speaking to her and that it’s Christmas so we should sort something out and then sent me a nice message when I asked if we could speak next week instead… in case you’re new here I’m actually in the process of moving house.
I feel stressed about it because I don’t know what to say. I feel like my mom doesn’t see me for the adult I’ve become since leaving her home in 2013 for uni. She doesn’t see how much pressure and stress she puts onto me both through her relationships with others (which I am given no option but to be a part of if I want to see her) and through making me feel guilty that I live two hours away.
I used to want a relationship with her more than anything but now I feel I’ve spent so long unsuccessfully trying to get one that is actually healthy to be part of… I just feel differently.
I plan to talk to my counsellor about this today. To see if therapy can help me to prepare a healthier mindset for the call. I naturally fall into defensive states easily with my mom and I need to find a way of telling her that it’s not ok to put certain pressures on me or not her place to serve particular judgements without having to explain myself anymore.
Here’s to turning this day around and making it productive.