I’m a strong believer that rain makes the flowers grow; through our adversities we grow ever more beautiful and the intricacies of our natures more refined.
Through this present day stress, I will survive. For a while now I have felt torn by family fall outs. If you are familiar with previous counselling posts you may be aware that most of the connections between my relatives are broken – they seem to live in small camps turned away from the greater tribe.
I sit here now, watching the rain from the living room of my grandparents home. Another visit where I tried to make it fair and still feel like I’ve failed to be seen as doing so. Instead I feel guilty that I can’t give more.
I feel if they can’t get along then they should accept that their time with my daughter and me will inevitably decrease as I divide the time between camps.
I feel emotionally torn. I vow over and over again that I’ll do as I feel and not be driven by everyone else’s wants. I’m being driven. By everyone else. And how they feel. And what they want. And how to make it fair.
I no longer feel calm in these moments. My grandparents home no longer feels like my peace. My peace is in myself. My peace is where I go. My peace is threatened by impossible to meet wants from my family.
I’m so grateful for my counselling. I just now see that I have begun to find my own balance, my own rhythm and my own stability. I refuse to let this new realization be a negative.
I could cry. But I won’t. Alone in my silence for these moments, I realize I can let go of my roots enough to not suffocate in their entanglement.
With love, Unchained Inside