I did a thing I haven’t done for a long time.
Last night, I found myself broken. For some time I managed to quick tobacco. I managed to sustain a low carb diet and had lost just over a stone, I felt proud.
Quarantine happened the day before my birthday. The only real joy of the day was knowing I would get cake and cards.
While introverted and for the most part being very content alone, there was just something about being told to stay at home. Birthdays are for celebrating. In a culture where we often do not praise ourselves and our achievements for long at all, I feel birthdays provide the perfect moment to reflect on all that we have learned since last time.
Not this year. This year was anxious. This year was feeling our collective energy shift. Feeling in the air that people do not feel safe, people are developing mistrust.
On top of that, my political opinions leave the addition that the new rules may not leave even after the virus does. This draconian norm could become our way of life.
So last night I baked.
I hand beat the butter, sugar, and eggs. I stared into the bottom, watching as three became an inseparable one. The eggs started to split as my arm got heavier. Digging deep I decided I would beat all of the love I could muster into it.
I thought about you. I thought about your families, the change in lifestyle, the increase in pressure, the time which now lends itself to misuse and abuse of the self or others. I prayed that regardless of politics, this very real virus would just F-OFF.
Then I found myself, wrapped up in the moment. I was truly observing the alchemy that is cooking. The splicing of various ingredients giving life to something entirely different.
The colours were great, the sensations capturing, the smell… delicious.
I had succeeded in making quite possibly the most ridiculously light sponge cake. It was to the cake world what silk or cashmere is to the fabric world.
Anyway, getting to the point. I ate cake. I smoked a joint and I ate cake.
Judged me harshly. I felt bad. I had gone back on everything I’d done to support myself. Then I slept, mind buzzing, thinking of you again.
This morning exploded it’s summer light through the blinds, welcoming me to day.
I did not fail last night. I have not let myself down. Just for an hour or so, I relaxed and allowed myself to be in a moment.
Some times we do things and they aren’t so obviously in our best interests. Beating ourselves up over it doesn’t help.
I find my success in recommitting every day to the same goals and doing what I can to achieve. Give yourself a break this quarantine season, no body knows the empirically right way to do anything.
Give yourself some freedom.