Emotional Rant

What’s it like when you’re sat in the lounge and a fly enters the room?
Notice his sound, how much louder the buzzing gets with attention?
That’s what your apology is to me.
It flutters around my mind, harmless, and then I remember the why…
Why you need to apologise to me in the first place…
A funny counter transference happened and the more I drowned the more you became who you wanted to be.
I’m glad you ‘had your cake and ate it’, ‘just being a young man you see’
But fuck you and your feeble apology
Fuck you for ever reaching out after you made me hate me.
Over a thousand nights I had to sleep
trying to reconcile those parts of hurt…
You taught me that giving love doesn’t set you free, you taught me love was illusionary, you laughed and joked and made me smile through your deceit, you showed me the lies that I believed.
How much of a fool I am that I should ever have felt, believed in the hopeless sentiments of my dreams.
When I feel love now I don’t believe… if you could possibly conceive the impact you had, convincing me I was mad, and since, every love that took slight wrong turn was felt as another lesson that I had failed to learn…
I was never enough. I can’t even trust me.

You see – the fly is gone now but I can still feel. Pat your back for relieving your grief.

I feel guilty for having these feelings but they need an out. For the love of all things – I know I should graciously receive the apology and I do but I was significantly hurt by someone who tells me they became a better person for the experience of me. I became afraid, doubtful of myself and others – I lost my confidence in myself and have fought to try and love confidently through self doubt and inadequacy, beautifully amplified by having a complex history before any relationship.

Am I allowed to be angry? I survived the relationship and the hurt that came and hadn’t thought much about it for years but this apology is a noisy fly that left me irritated.

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