Not Over Your Ex?

I mean. Damn. We have all felt this one.

Sometimes when a relationship ends it can take many years to heal and to finally let go. For people who experience traumatic, turbulent, or absent care givers, romantic relationships can fill a heart shaped bullet hole.

This is usually the cause of difficult to break attachments; Something which was lacking in an individuals history can appear quenched by the new persons arrival and willingness to engage.

When the relationship breaks down, we are re-exposed to a familiar grief. This leads to “craving” the person we believe can take the pain, loneliness, or hurt away. The person who makes the discomfort stop.

The idealised lens laid over the relationship and the person it was shared with, often causes the beholder of feelings to emotionally obsess and to ignore and deny any negatives or flaws which caused the relationship to end. Alternatively, some may feel that they can be better and were robbed of an opportunity to be good enough to be with this amazing, NOT REAL version of a someone that they have imposed upon the last person they felt love with/for.

Here is a little nifty journaling/”write and burn” activity to assist the healing of your heart…

Step one should be very easy for the in love mind, the longing mind, the person who is still building up the desire of their affections… Write down the good things. Get down every thought you have about them that makes them so wonderful.

Contemplate what you’ve written and how realistic the list is. A good way to vet this is to share with a trusted person or else to consider what the people you know might say about each point.

Next, write down why the relationship ended. Does it make you question any of the positives you wrote down in part one? If so put a black mark next to the step one “positives” or strike through them.

Then… write down the negatives. Write down the choice they made to leave, their reasons for doing so, do you respect how they went about it? What was their behaviour thereafter? Did they move on quickly? Disappear completely? Did they respect you enough? Write down any justifiable reason you have to feel hurt or wronged by this person.

Go back to your first list. Cross out those which seem unrealistic or conflict with the bad. If you have good points left then that’s okay… you now hold in your hands a more realistic perspective of that person and the relationship. You can begin to appreciate proportionately and remember the good and bad in balance.

If you find you are left with only negatives or a balance of positive and negative which do not cancel each other out then the conclusion is the same… a new and more proportionate perception.

Whenever you feel the craving arise, read the negatives. Remember to bring your ex down to their human level rather than to idealise and grant godly evaluations of their character.

Over time, normalising them and normalising the connection that was shared will lessen and ease the attachment thus allowing better opportunity to connect with others in the future and to form new and healthier relationships.

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